.Troubles ahead.
You know, for the most part of my life I have continuously tried to convince myself that I’m not afraid of anything because fear, as we all know, is a sign of weakness and who would ever want to feel weak? I have been told repeatedly that I should be bold and always take things as they are, without second-guessing them. And I have tried to put on a brave face, I have…even when things were as bad as they could possibly get. But now, now everything is changing and I’m supposed to be prepared for whatever comes next. Everyone has expectations and the thing is, I’m not sure I can meet them. I am afraid of failing and I’m afraid of all the things I don’t know, like what is going to happen over the next few months.
Life would be so much simpler if we could just get some answers from somewhere or if there was a way to know that we’re making the right decisions because I need to know. To the outside world I seem fine, because I’m smiling and I’m really trying to be fine but inside I am not. I feel lost…again because things are changing…again. I don’t want to choose wrong. I don’t to wake up one day and realize that I could have done better. You know the main problem with growing up is that you’re not a kid anymore and now you are expected to fend for yourself. A few years back I would have killed to have this sense of freedom, to have the power to control my own life but now I’m just afraid and absolutely clueless. When I was younger I wanted so bad to be an adult but now I am trying really hard to slow down the process but time is not my friend and whether I like it or not reality is going to strike.
They say that there are two kinds of people out there: the ones who are not afraid of new challenges and who stay and fight, and the ones who shut down and run away whenever they encounter difficulties. I really don’t want to be in the second category but I’m not sure that I can in fact fight. I want to deal with everything because I’ve been avoiding it for far too long but I don’t know if I can. The funny thing is that everyone thinks that I’ll get over it, they have this certainty but I am plain terrified.
